“I don’t think we’re going to be part of the co-op next year,” a mom shared over coffee one morning.
Seeing the hurt in her eyes, I asked, “What’s going on? Is there a problem?”
“Well . . . the kids just don’t feel included. The popular kids don’t give our girls the time of day. They joined to find friends–that’s just not happening.”
Again. A great idea for fellowship and relationship–spoiled by cliques. I have to admit, I didn’t expect this in our home schooling group. This was supposed to be a public school issue. Turns out home schoolers are just as likely to form cliques. And the hurt strikes just as deeply.
Whether it’s public school, home school groups, church youth groups–any group where kids band together–the tendency exists to form cliques. Somehow one group becomes the “in” crowd with others looking on hoping to be included; hurt when they are not.
As parents, we spend a lot of our time either complaining about cliques, comforting our excluded children, or encouraging our included children to welcome others. Perhaps, we need a different focus.
Focus on the heart issue. God cares about two things: right relationship with Him and right relationship with others. To ensure we would pursue this right relationship with others, he put in us a longing for connection.
Cliques are a perversion of this longing. Instead of a right relationship with others, we pursue the kind of relationship that gains its value from exclusion of others. God’s desires lived out–in a completely ungodly way.
Instead of addressing the clique issue, perhaps we would do well to shift the focus to the relationship issue. Helping our children see that God put a desire to relate deeply to others within them, but that He also instructs how those relationships are to be lived out. When our children gain God’s perspective–they can get past their own desire to be “in the clique” and begin to see the value of relationship coming from getting to know, encourage, and serve God with other people.
Give our children these relational skills. The beauty of home schooling is that we truly use every moment to learn how to live life in a Godly way. With their siblings or other people in their lives, our children can practice the right kinds of relational skills. They begin to see their time together as a way of getting to know, encourage, and serve God with the people in their lives.
When we train our children to respond to situations by “putting up” with a relative’s perhaps irritating but not harmful idiosyncrasies, by “encouraging” a brother in his math test, by “serving one another” by cleaning up sister’s lunch dishes while she catches up on her language. In short as we put the “one anothers” of scripture into practice each day–our children gain a right vision for relationships both at home and in groups. They no longer view others through a lens of “will I be more popular when with them?” They see others as the people God put in their lives to minister to, relate to, and value because they are both growing in Christ.
The conversation with the mom happened in my kitchen several years ago. Her daughter longed to be part of the clique; my son was on the inside. We began talking to our children about the damage that was happening and a better vision for relationships at Co-op. Today, some parents drive an hour to be part of the group because “my children feel so connected here.” We can make a change. Children who know how to relate to others in a Godly way don’t just have better co-ops; they make a better world.
Tess Worrell writes and speaks to groups regarding issues of family life and living as a Godly woman. She and husband, Mike Worrell, live in Madison, Indiana, where they are in their 14th year of home schooling. She would love to hear your insights. Comment here or email her at tess@YourFamilyMatterstous.com. If you would like Tess to speak to your home school or church group, you can learn more about her speaking at YourFamilyMatterstous.com. #parenting