“Mommy, can I help?” my daughter asked as I planted flowers in our front beds. Tree roots, black plastic laid by a prior owner, and countless rocks made the digging near impossible. With our house going on the market, I needed the flowers to look as attractive as possible–an already challenging goal. Could my daughter help?

Then, I remembered the advice an Amish friend gave me years ago, “Work with your family–not for your family.”  She had a solid philosophy that if mom was still working, the rest of the family should still be working. She considered kids playing in the living room while mom did dishes unacceptable. She taught the younger moms in her sphere to constantly include children in whatever work they were doing.

She noted, “Young children want to help. They beg to help. We turn them away because we think it’s easier to just do it ourselves. But, by the time they are old enough to truly help–they’ve had years of practice in playing while mom works. They come to believe they are entitled to play while mom works. Even mom falls into this habit. Then, mom grows exhausted and resentful. Instead, include children. No matter how little the job–while you work, let them work.”

Her advice has proven invaluable. I admit to times where we have worked hard for hours planting a garden or organizing the garage–and I release the children to go play while I finish the task. Further, I don’t expect my two-year-old to work as long and hard as I do. But, generally if there are house chores to be done, the whole family works together until they are done.

Keys:

• Make jobs age appropriate. I don’t expect my toddler to hoe the garden. I do have her put folded laundry in the basket. 
• Give frequent breaks. After a good push, I bring out Kool-Aid and grapes for a snack. I let the children ride a lap on their bikes. I have them go do a break-job–one that’s fun, such as spraying the plants with the hose which inevitably turns into spraying each other and cooling off. 
• Reward. Especially after a long day, I break out a tub of ice cream and toppings for a special treat. Even just in daily chores, when children finish, I make sure to inspect their work because the attention tells them their efforts are important. I thank them for helping and praise their efforts. That connection keeps the kids encouraged.
• Work together. With rare exceptions, we all pitch in on a task. We clean up the dinner table, do the yard work, straighten the house–all together. While 2 people may head to work on the living room while 2 others tackle the school room, we work in teams. This prevents chores feeling like solitary confinement and more like team work.

Benefits?

• I never feel like I’m alone–working myself to death, resentful of others. Instead, I feel part of a great team who helps each other. 
• I have some of the best conversations with children while we weed a garden patch or straighten the garage. Something about busy hands opens hearts and mouths.
• Our children have a great work ethic–if someone gets up to do something, they jump up to help. We’ve normalized helpfulness just by including them from the very beginning in every job

It’s not a perfect system to be sure. The holes my daughter dug had to be redone by me. I had to keep reminding her not to step on the already planted flowers as she moved to plant the next. I had to take deep breaths every time she tried to pull a flower out of the seed pot praying she wouldn’t tear the plant. I would have planted the flowers far faster without her help.

But, as we stood back at the end of the job–her face broke into a grin as she gleefully exclaimed, “Oh, mommy, look how beautiful!” She got to be part of that. We got to be a team. Plus, she learned a little about planting flowers. Those little lessons pay huge dividends down the road. The next day my older daughter took the remaining flowers and planted them in another bed while I mowed the lawn. I could trust her to do the job well because she has been planting flowers with me all her life.

If you want to avoid “exhausted Mama syndrome”–work with your family, not for your family.