Which would you rather face—the child who openly defies or the child who behaves compliantly but the attitude just isn’t right?

I have to admit–there are times I prefer the compliant child. I get the behavior I expect, and I can so easily overlook the underlying issues. To be more blunt—the underlying sin. When life is crazy busy with more on my plate than I can ever hope to accomplish, the subtle sins get pushed to the back burner with the hope they will just go away.

But, our Lord tells us they don’t. He tells us the heart controls everything. The evil we do comes from the heart. Matthew 15:19. The cure is loving God with all our heart. Matthew 22:37. So when my child obeys but the heart isn’t in it, I need to address this behavior head-on.

Step 1: Seek to understand. As hard as it can be to admit, sometimes I read my children wrongly. Sometimes I interpret attitude as rebellion when it’s only confusion. If I sense my child’s compliance being less than whole-hearted, I first ask, “What’s going on?” as patiently and gently as I can. This opens the door for my child to ask questions or seek further instruction that might be needed.

Sometimes, rather than confusion, my child’s underlying attitude stems from resentment—not of the chore, but of me. When I’ve tagged the same child for dozens of chores while siblings have been left to their own activities, when I’ve expected more than I should, or when I’ve failed to show the appreciation their past efforts deserved—I’ve created the situation where child’s reaction, justifiably, can be “Again?!”

When I seek first to understand, I gain the information needed to deal with the situation as it is rather than as I assume it is. Looking first to the planks in my own eye before addressing the attitude in my child.

Step 2: Address attitude for the harbinger of heart that it is. If child’s heart truly rebels against obedience, this attitude should be addressed even if child fulfills the request. Our conversation focuses on how the bad attitude reveals a wrong relationship toward me in their heart. Questions usually work best.

“Honey, you’re saying you ‘just don’t feel like taking out the trash.’ How do you think it makes me feel when you flash a look of resentment and sigh heavily when I ask you to help me? How would God feel if you behaved that way when He asked you to do something? More importantly than how this feels to God or me–is what you are doing right?” The purpose of the questions is to get child’s thinking off themselves and onto the expectations of God—measuring their conduct and heart by His measure. A wonderful resource for guiding this process—Parenting with Scripture by Kara Durbin. The book offers a topical guide for addressing attitudes by scripture.

Disobedience comes in all forms—behavior and attitude. All reflect our child’s heart, so all need to be made right with Him. When we focus on the heart, however it’s revealed, we enter a discipling relationship that yields God’s fruit.