“What just happened?” Many parents find themselves asking this question just after trying to talk with their child. Parent senses something is wrong with child. Parent lovingly tries to engage child in conversation to find out what’s wrong and how parent can help. Child wants nothing to do with their advice or them. What happened?
My dad once observed, “For people to believe a message, they have to trust the messenger.”We see it every day. As formerly trusted messengers (news reporters, politicians, pastors) have been caught in lies and scandals, people’s trust in messages–whether news, government decisions, or spiritual guidance–has plummeted. Our children are not immune. Though parents genuinely love their children and have solid advice to offer, if children no longer trust their parents–they ignore the message.
If you want your children to listen to your message, you must become a trustworthy messenger. How can parents win back (or preserve) the trust of their child?
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Keep your word. Don’t make promises you can’t (or don’t intend) to keep. If you promise child to make it to their football game or a cuddle on the couch after they clean their room, don’t let a work deadline or phone call cause you to miss this time. Don’t offer bribes to induce good behavior, then renege. Don’t forget little promises because children remember. While seeming minor at the time, a pattern of putting off what you told children you would do destroys trust. Keeping your word even when, and perhaps especially when, it’s something minor builds trust.
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Live by the standards you impose. Double standards destroy trust. When parents yell in anger but punish children for doing so, parents create piles of clutter but demand that children put stuff away, parents demand that children listen attentively but stare at their computer when child is speaking–these double standards destroy any illusion that the messenger is trustworthy. When parents follow the standards they impose–children learn parents can be trusted. Further, our struggle to follow these standards–that deep sigh as you stop yourself from yelling–instills greater trust. Our children see that following the rules costs us as much as it costs them.
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Be the same person at home as in public. When parents are kind, considerate, and helpful to others in public but selfish and grumpy at home–trust lost. When parents go out of their way to treat family as well as (or even better than) those outside the house, trust builds.
Want your children to listen? Become a messenger they can trust.
Tess Worrell writes and speaks to groups regarding issues of family life and living as a Godly woman. She and husband, Mike Worrell, live in Madison, Indiana, where they are in their 14th year of home schooling. She would love to hear your insights. Comment here or email her at tess@YourFamilyMatterstous.com. If you would like Tess to speak to your home school or church group, you can learn more about her speaking at YourFamilyMatterstous.com.
